My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
