Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
