Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
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Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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