Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
