Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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