there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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