He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
