ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Mom said you looked used
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
