Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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