You're completely useless in the revolution.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
