My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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