I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
