Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
