I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
