i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
