Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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