The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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