I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
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i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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