Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
