I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
