She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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