i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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