her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
