O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
