I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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