i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
