when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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