i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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