He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
