Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
