he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
