I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
