apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
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When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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