plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
