I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
