Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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