The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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