I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
