I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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