After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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