You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
