I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
