I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
