can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
