I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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