is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
