i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
