Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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