Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
