i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
