I love having hate sex.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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