Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
