take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
