i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
