That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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