What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
