Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
