About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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